By Annika
A Greek Myth
There’s a myth in greek mythology that humans used to exist with two heads, four arms, four legs, and were split apart by the gods, doomed to search their entire lives for their ‘other half’. When referring to romantic partners, there is a tendency in the United States to call them “my other half” or “my better half”. There is an emphasis of finding a person to settle down with and to build one’s life with, and that pressure can cause a lot of grief for single people around this time of year.
Humans Are Social Animals
Why is it that we believe to be whole, we need another person to complete us? Humans are social animals, sure, but plenty of people go their entire lives without romantic relationships and live healthy lives. People who chose to give up the romantic/sexual for religious reasons, or people who identify as asexual or aromantic just don’t have a drive to seek those relationships.
About Partners
This doesn’t even bring up the people who don’t have only one partner: In serial monogamy, is your current partner your other half, or was your former partner? Will a future partner ten years down the road be your real other half? How will you ever know which partner is the one that really “completes you”? Not to mention polyamorous people, who will often have two or more partners at any given time: If everyone who isn’t poly a half, is a poly person one-third of a person, or one-fourth?
When Are People Whole?
While many people (myself included) hear from their family and friends constantly that they aren’t really whole until they are married, or are in a long term committed monogamous relationship, science says differently. Bella DePaulo, who teaches and does research at the University of California, has spent much of her career studying singles, and being a lifelong single herself, and has written many books on how singles are stigmatized in our everyday culture, and why being single is perfectly healthy. Her studies have found that being in a relationship doesn’t make you happier, healthier, or live longer on average than being single.
A person is not incomplete without a romantic relationship. In a relationship or not, you have your individual goals and hobbies. You have your preferences, your own favorite food or music, your pet peeves. You have memories that inform your preferences and give you stories to share with the new people who come into your life. The point of a relationship is not to fill the gaps in your own personality because there aren’t gaps.
Exploration
The people you are romantic with can help you explore your own personalities, your own strengths, and they can make you aware of your own weaknesses. One of my partners recently took a moment to tell me, “You are going to help ground me, and that’s a good thing. I’m going to help you find and experience adventures.” Helping each other grow is a great thing, but you aren’t required to be in a romantic relationship to grow. Relationships that aren’t romantic (familial, friendships, co-workers) can help you grow as a person just as much and in many ways affect you more than your romantic relationships do.
You Are Whole
Don’t feel guilty for being single. If you are single and happy, that’s great. If you are in a relationship and happy, that’s just as great. This Valentine’s Day, whether you’re in a relationship or not, remember: you are a whole person by yourself. You complete you, and I complete me.
Other Notes Parker Rose:
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