Thank you for reading this blog about NRE, by J. Sprout
POP QUIZ: What does NRE stand for?
A. Non-recurring engineering
B. New relationship energy
C. Non-responsive elder
D. Answers A & B
E. None of the above
Answer: D, non-recurring engineering AND new relationship energy
But don’t worry, I’m not here to lecture you on economics. The topic of the day, instead, is what many in the poly and kink communities conceptualize as “new relationship energy,” otherwise known as “the honeymoon phase.” But we all know about the honeymoon phase, so why use energy and time beating a dead horse?
Yes – We Need To Chat About NRE
Well I’m happy to reveal that this horse is very much NOT dead, but is alive and well. It will be kicking till the cows come home, as they say. Personally, I think NRE is a more appropriate term to describe the phenomenon that is “the honeymoon phase.” This is due to its inherent nature to reappear in the same relationship. NRE describes not a phase, but an ebb and flow toward an evermore stable relationship as time passes. Especially when it comes to polyamorous relationships.
For me, it can be easy to get caught up in NRE with a new partner. However, all of that excitement (if directed properly) can often ricochet into new energy for the relationships that are already in place. Of course, poly life does have its shortcomings, and if that energy isn’t properly dealt with, it can take up too much inventory and end up harming already established relationships. But we’ll get to that in a moment. Let’s first get into what NRE looks like on the surface.
NRE looks like:
- Overwhelming happiness and warmth whenever you’re with your new partner. You may even adopt a child-like demeanor when you’re around each other
- Everything your partner does is cute, and even if it’s not, it’s endearing. Your infatuation knows no bounds
- You trade off obligations, and even time with your friends. For things like for snuggles and one-on-one time. (anything from sex to, to watching TV, to hiking, etc.)
- Your sleep schedule may quickly change from spending late nights getting to know each other
- Your bed may not see you for days at a time, as you’re always at your partner’s place, or vice versa
- You may excuse odd or toxic behavior, as you want to assume the best of your new partner while getting to know each other
- You start to think in terms of “us” instead of “you and I”
- There is an immediate uptake of elaborate or at least constant displays of affection: giving gifts (small or large), incessant texting, providing food, always being emotionally and psychically available, etc.
- You might even experience a type of mania, where everything seems possible. Some people act out in spontaneous bursts to display feats of strength, performance, ability, adaptability, and loyalty. Confidence soars in NRE, both in individual and group settings
There are a few approaches to NRE:
From a scientific approach, your brain is amped up on dopamine and serotonin, along with other hormonal shifts. This is due to new chemistry between you and this person you’re excited about, over a period of time (lasts a couple months on average). It actually feels like an addiction to love to some.
From an evolutionary standpoint–though not actually applicable outside of the gender binary and is therefore an antiquated view–NRE is a byproduct of the mating game. It is the body’s built in contingency plan to securing that mate.
In a more pessimistic view, NRE is just a symptom of projection, where we’re putting out our best selves and only seeing our partner’s best self. This can be regardless of whether or not they are putting their best selves forward.
And the more optimistic approach, albeit a bit blinding, considers NRE to be a magical Disney-esque loving experience, where everything is as if it were a Hollywood movie. Your partner is perfect, and nothing can ever go wrong…
If you take the optimistic approach, are you paying attention to your needs? To your boundaries? Are you doing everything your partner likes, and nothing you like (often an involuntary, subconscious experience)? The magic feels SO good, I know. But hear me out, what if the fun part actually comes once the initial NRE dwindles?
As exciting as NRE can be, I truly think the best part is getting past it. For many, only then can true colors shine, and deeper understanding and trust begin to blossom.
Sustaining Relationship Energy
The true test here is to sustain “relationship energy” in a healthy, mutually beneficial way, on the route to stability. Being happy all the time is certainly a worthy goal, but it’s not realistic nor is it stable (read: it doesn’t have balance).
NRE often pressures partners to dismiss their boundaries while it simultaneously sets a standard of normalcy that is not sustainable. Life is upsetting sometimes, and if you’re only equipped for happy times because of sustained “puppy love,” then bad times will be that much more devestating. Y’all haven’t built the skills together for dealing with the upset yet. And that’s okay, but it’s important to keep perspective (i.e. in context) of what NRE actually is: it’s *new.*
Success in lasting relationships comes from developing tools and skills as individuals and partners. The goal here is to deal with life’s upsets in a way that allows you to “cope-ahead,” as I’ve learned from therapy. Coping ahead is practicing healthy communication and mindfulness with your partner, so that you can patiently take life’s upsets head-on, one at a time, and not get derailed.
Balance Is Key
As this comic (Grease Bats by artist Archie) points out, balance is key. Balance in happy times together, and balance between spending time on your own personal growth versus time with your partner and the goals you share. Here is where we get back to what I began with: how do we properly direct and distribute this exciting energy that is NRE, especially if we’re poly?
The key, in my opinion, as well as that of licensed marriage and family therapist, university lecturer, public speaker, and author Dr. Amie Harwick’s, is to keep your perspective in context. If you’re suddenly having overwhelming feelings with the notion to follow your new love across the country as they get a new job in a different state, maybe take a moment to step back and *really* examine/question the sustainability of such a move. You don’t want to be this guy:
Being that guy is more common than you think. It’s so easy to throw caution to the wind when NRE is pumping our sails up with high hopes and beautiful dreams.
In her YouTube video “New Relationship Energy,” Dr. Harwick gives sage advice on how to direct NRE to your benefit. (video below)
Dr. Harwick’s “Do’s” are:
- Embrace the excitement of this new relationship in strides, don’t be afraid to soak it up
- In the same breath, embrace the shifts that happen within the relationship as they happen, as there are many different types of love that are just as, if not more, valuable
- Stay confident in who you are, and know what your longterm goals are. Be critical of any relationship’s effect on reaching those goals.
- Keep in mind that your perception of reality may be skewed because of the acute intensity of NRE
- Before making any life-altering decisions, be sure to STOP, do a pros and cons list, and talk with people you trust about your options.
- Take inventory of your compulsions, whether they bring you joy or not.
Dr. Harwick’s “Don’ts” are:
- To reiterate, don’t make life-altering decisions without allowing time and space to seriously consider all outcomes
- Don’t put aside your goals of longterm success for shorterm happiness, consistently check in with yourself to ensure no drastic compromise takes place
- Don’t be discouraged when this NRE intensity wanes, as it can (and often does) come back in tandem with the ebb and flow of life
Poly People And NRE?
Remember what your other relationships took (in work and perspective) to get you where you are. Start from a place of mindfulness, and NRE won’t derail you like it so often can. NRE can become consuming, so be sure to check in with your already-established relationships regularly to make sure all needs are being met. And for everyone, successful relationships start with your own success in your relationship with yourself. Ask yourself: What am I looking for in life? What am I looking for with/from this new partner? Am I stable enough to take on this relationship (especially to you poly folx, do you have the bandwidth for another relationship)?
NRE is so exciting, and we should embrace that excitement! But like the adage says, “Moderation is key.” Except, I like the way the Greek poet Hesiod put it first, best: “Observe due measure, moderation is best in all things.” Because even ‘moderation’ needs to be in moderation, so consider observing due measure when approaching NRE.
Happy loving y’all!
Afterward from Parker Rose
Thank you again for all of your support. Opening Gateways is one a few Ann Arbor BDSM groups, and is always expanding educational resources, blogs, event knowledge and more. If you are looking for BDSM events in Ann Arbor or Detroit, please check out our Ann Arbor BDSM Events page. There are many great opportunities for kink classes, munches, and other social and educational events. Also, take a look at some of our other dating blogs if you have a chance. Here are a few suggestions:
Dating Tips – Use Your Words (by Pixie Pele)
Sex As Currency – Part 1: Dating
At PolyAnnArbor – What Is Polyamory?
Opening Gateways has a focus on BDSM in Ann Arbor, from events to classes, but also supports and educates about Ann Arbor dating, Ann Arbor polyamory, Ann Arbor sex toys, and alternative lifestyles. Thanks for stopping by
