Here are some notes about dating, Christianity, and the concept of True Love Waits. – Pixie Pele
OK, anyone who has been keeping track knows that I grew up super religious. I try not to harp on the subject, but so many of these posts have been about my opinions or views on things, and I’m painfully aware that my background colors my current outlook, so it would be dishonest not to acknowledge it.
About The True Love Waits In Dating
This is particularly true with the phenomenon of “True Love Waits,” the commercialization of chastity until marriage and ultimate in sex-as-currency culture. (If you haven’t read my first post on this, you might want to; this one will make more sense. Don’t worry, I’ll wait. You back? OK.) My “purity ring” belonged to my mentor before me and her mentor before her. Most couples in my church didn’t even kiss until their wedding day, and this was highly praised. Because people who wanted to have sex were dirty.
Dating And Why We Didn’t Date
In fact, most of us didn’t even date; we waited until we got a “revelation” from God and then entered a formal courtship or went straight to engagement. Because a semi-arranged marriage was better than letting women make choices. A father considered himself the protector and proprietor of his daughter’s virginity, a right which he relinquished to her husband on her wedding day. Because a woman’s sexuality a) is only safe when a penis-haver owns it, and b) can be transferred to new owners. After the wedding day, it was the wife’s duty to satisfy her husband sexually.
A Little About Virginity Culture
So when I say I’m familiar with virginity culture, I know what I’m talking about.
First off, let’s get the facts out of the way. Those tacky rings that stood for the promise of chastity? Yeah, they worked… for about 18 months, on average. Still far less than marriage age. And on top of that, when the people who had taken the pledge did have sex, they were one-third less likely to use protection, putting themselves at higher risk of STIs and pregnancy. (and we all know what happens to a good Christian girl when she gets pregnant.) (go to this page if you want to double-check my data) So the program as a whole was a total failure. But let’s talk briefly about the people for whom it worked.
Talking About The Sex
A friend of mine from the Christian college I went to for undergrad had been married for six months. (There are a lot of weddings in Christian colleges. I did my best to avoid them.) I went over to her house, and because we were the “daring” girls, we actually talked about the sex. “It’s weird when you have to say no to something for years, and then it’s suddenly supposed to be OK,” she said. “It’s really hard to change your thinking.” She had yet to enjoy sex. Six months. Couldn’t enjoy sex, for all her husband’s patience (and, apparently, experience). I was horrified.
It was the first of many stories.
Over the years, I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve heard this exact story. These women have been told for years that the sex thing has to be traded for a good marriage. That if they have sex before then, they are no longer human; they are a piece of chewed gum that no one wants. You can’t just put a ring on a finger and think that those fears will magically disappear.
These women have an acute case of the Madonna-Whore Complex. I’ll link to more detailed discussions of it (here is the link) (and here is another link), but it is basically the belief that women are either for sex or for respect. But not both. When those women had sex for the first time, they “lost” their virginity. They lost their hoarded treasure, and thus lost value as a human being.
Turns out, my friend had it easy.
Some women go for years being unable to enjoy sex. Can you imagine that? Lying next to a partner who you love and who you know loves you, but being unable to enjoy physical intimacy? These women feel broken and worthless. They’ve been told it’s their job to satisfy their husbands sexually (frigid wives are sometimes blamed for husbands “going gay”). And yet the guilt and shame they feel for losing what gave them value leaves them unable to even get aroused.
Have you caught the wording I’ve chosen? Sex is traded for a good marriage. Having sex for the first time is losing a hoarded treasure. This system is the ultimate in sex-as-currency thinking. More specifically, it’s first-time-sex-as-currency. (Because we all know how great your first time is gonna be.) In order to treat first-time sex as the currency in relationships, though, they must cage a woman’s natural, healthy sexuality. They’re breaking the thing they pretend to treasure.
For further reading on this subject and how virginity culture puts women at risk, I recommend this article.
~Pixie
Also, take a look at Sex As Currency Part 2 (The Catch 22) and Sex As Currency Part 1 (Dating)
Final Notes – Ann Arbor Dating And More
Notes From Parker: There are many great places to find dates in Ann Arbor. While Opening Gateways hosts Ann Arbor kink events, hosts Ann Arbor kink classes, and supports many sex positive communities in the area, we are a great resource for Ann Arbor sex toys and dating. Whether you are looking for BDSM in Ann Arbor, Detroit kink events, or Michigan BDSM classes, we can help. Hit us up on our contact page for information on Ann Arbor dating and more. We are here to help people connect!
