written by Parker Rose
Many of these BDSM red flags for Doms and Dommes will overlap between Dom(me)s and Subs. It is important to recognize the few flags that are particular to Dom(me)s versus Subs. For both, however, most flags come down to breaking consent and manipulation. If you are seeking out a new dominating interest, or have even been involved for some time with one, you may want to use this checklist to make sure you are in a safe and healthy situation. As you use this, consider the different effect each question will have in context of the different spheres, though most will involve/stem from The Intimate. Read Part One of this blog section for more on what The Intimate category is.
BDSM Red Flags For Doms and Dommes Checklist Part One
- Does your interest make specific demands, or insist on being called/calling you specific names from the get-go? Do these names/demands make you uncomfortable?
- Does your interest refuse to use protection/contraception?
- Your body, your rules. If your prospective partner (or current partner) does not respect your bodily autonomy and needs, you need to reassess the relationship.
- Does your interest refuse to have open communication?
- Do they actively check in with you about boundaries and consent?
- Will they avoid/refuse talking about boundaries: needs, desires, and limits?
- Do they “cheat” on or disregard your spoken boundaries?
- Will they guilt trip you into changing your boundaries? (“You should do this, or else you’re not a real sub.”)
- Do they disregard your feelings/sensitivities regardless of context?
- Has your interest tried isolating you from the rest of the group, or try to take you home early against your will?
- Have they forbidden you from talking to like-minded folk in the kink community?
- Have they tried distancing you from even your “vanilla” friends and family? (This is textbook for early signs of abuse.)
Kink Red Flags For Tops Part Two
- Does your interest instigate jealousy and act out of vengeance?
- Do they make you feel like you’re not good enough compared to others? Do they get overly jealous when you interact with others?
- Will they purposefully humiliate you in the presence of other kink folk without acquiring prior consent?
- Do they humiliate you in the presence of even “vanilla” folk?
- Does your interest demand control in other areas of your life, such as social media or finances?
- At times, do they entice you to be “broken” by them, without having a clearly established plan to build you back up?
- Do they give you aftercare at the conclusion of each and every scene?
- Does your interest experience intense mood swings, or abandon you (physically and/or emotionally) for extended periods of time?
- Do they fail to fulfill promises/arrangements on a regular basis?
- Also, does your interest actively show their appreciation for the relationship, and specifically, for YOU?
- Does your interest only stay in “Dom(me) mode?
- Are they unable to show vulnerability or accept responsibility for wrongdoing?
Final Notes
Look below for the other writings in this series, and keep in mind that people in the Ann Arbor area can find Ann Arbor kink classes and BDSM events in Ann Arbor and the surrounding areas here. We strive to provide the best kink resources online, as well as provide people with information about Ann Arbor kink groups. Stay safe and keep learning! Have questions or comments about this blog, others, or Michigan BDSM? Send a note to our contact page.
Read: Red Flags In Kink Part 1 (Intro)
Important: Red Flags In Kink – Part 2 (Checklist)
Also: Red Flags In Kink – Part 3 (BDSM Red Flags For Subs)
This article: Red Flags In Kink Part 4 (BDSM Red Flags For Doms)
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