At their most fundamental core, the guidelines for behavior, rules, and BDSM etiquette at a play party are, in my opinion, not all that terribly different from the rules about how not to be a dick in everyday life. Sure, there might be a bit more protocol involved, but much of what you need to know is very common sense stuff. However, sometimes even those of us who feel like we have the common sense game mastered need a reminder, and sometimes we take for granted what is and is not common sense. It’s like driving in Michigan. If I’m not from there, I’m probably not going to inherently understand how to make one of their left turns. So. Here are a few simple things to remember when attending a kink event.
1) Be polite and respectful.
This goes for everyone – Dominant, submissive, or anywhere in between. Identifying as a Dominant does not make you better than someone who identifies as a submissive. Having a kink that is different from someone else’s does not make yours better. Not understanding or liking someone else’s kink or lifestyle choice does not give you an excuse to be rude or disrespectful. Not respecting someone’s choices or kink style does not give you an excuse to be rude or disrespectful. Treat everyone with dignity and respect. If you find someone completely repulsive and don’t feel you can be polite and respectful, avoid that person in order to remain polite and respectful. In short, don’t be a dick.
2) No actually does mean no.
It is only in pre-negotiated circumstances that only ‘red’ means no. If someone tells you that, no, you can’t touch something or that, no, they don’t want to play with you, then don’t touch that something and stop trying to play with that person.
3) If it’s not yours, don’t touch it.
Without specific permission from its owner, that is. This goes for both people and items. If it is wearing a collar and for some reason you feel a deep need to touch it, respectfully ask its owner. This includes things that are taken for granted in the vanilla world, like handshakes or hugs. For things or people that are pretty/interesting/completely new to you and you want to inspect them further, respectfully ask its owner if it can be touched or demonstrated. If someone is touching something of yours without your permission, you are completely within your rights to politely ask them to leave it alone. If they continue to act in an inappropriate manner, you are completely within your rights to alert someone else to your plight. Dungeon Masters are around for a reason.
4) Do not interrupt someone else’s scene.
This is true for any scene, for any reason, ever. If a submissive is screaming in pain and yelling ‘no,’ chances are that the submissive is exactly where he/she/it wants to be. Be aware that if the players want you involved in their scene, they will specifically ask you. If you have concerns about a specific scene, take it up with the DM and/or the event organizers if you do feel the need.
Also, if you have questions about a scene, remember them or write them down to ask when the scene is over. If you don’t like a scene, or their kink isn’t your kink, you are perfectly free to go or watch elsewhere. Plus, recognize that if you are talking and laughing loudly, you are most likely being a distraction. They’re called ‘scenes’ for a reason – the set, cast, and script have already been determined, or outlined, or negotiated, by the participants. You wouldn’t jump on stage at a play, or talk loudly enough for the actors to hear you, so don’t jump into or disrupt a scene.
5) Follow all the rules and BDSM etiquette of the host or the venue.
Most parties have rules/guidelines posted either on the event page or up at the event. These rules will concern things like nudity, fluids, alcohol, photography, etc. Be sure that you understand the rules before beginning to play. If you have doubts about something, ask an event host or the Dungeon Master.
6) When obvious, address the Dominant first.
This is a less vanilla concept, and therefore, one that is sometimes overlooked as being common sense. Some submissives, slaves, or bottoms will have rules about how or when they can talk to or touch someone else. By addressing the Dominant, you will be able to determine what these rules are, without making the submissive feel uncomfortable about having to avoid speaking to or touching you. Don’t be offended if someone politely declines your conversation or handshake – they may have rules against it.
7) Clean up after yourself.
No one wants to have to deal with a mess that’s not theirs. This includes not only where you have set up your things, but also any food mess or any mess left after any scene involving equipment or fluids.
Final Notes
There are finer details, and more little protocol things and BDSM etiquette than could be covered in ten pages, but knowing these basic rules will enable you to be respected and to make friends. Just be honest, be yourself, and always remember that everyone in the room is a human being just like yourself, looking for acceptance and respect. If you ever have questions, ask a host or a Dungeon Master – these people will be able to direct you to someone who has the answers if they don’t have them, themselves. Happy kinking!
~astrid
Keep in mind that different venues can have different rules, so make sure to get accustomed to them and read them over before attending. Many parts of BDSM etiquette are the same from one party to the next, but still be aware of differences. The DM can help answer questions. You should also communicate to them if you are doing a scene that is going to be particularly rough and such.
There are many great Ann Arbor BDSM events, Detroit BDSM events, and Michigan BDSM events. Learning BDSM etiquette is an important step to attending. If you are interested in kink events and kink classes in Michigan, reach out to the organizers and come to a munch. Opening Gateways is happy to answer questions. Hope to see you online or at an event soon!
You can find Opening Gateways events at this link.
Opening Gateways Rules/Example Rules Sheet
~Parker Rose
