Recap: This series is NOT trying to prescribe a set of definitions or even a method of exploration. I believe that we kinksters have to choose our definitions for ourselves, and I hope that the description of another person’s floundering might prove useful in your own exploration. If it doesn’t, take a lesson from the noble cat: take the fish and leave the bones. [Symbol]
Last time, I talked about how I had personal definitions of the terms that predisposed me to favor the term “slave.” But that was only half my task. I also had to consider what kind of relationship I wanted and what kinds of things got me all hot and bothered.
For this, I did a lot of reading. So. Much. Reading. Anything that described the inner thoughts and feelings of anyone that identified as either submissive or slave. (As a side note, if you’re interested at all in either having control over your partner or giving up control, I highly recommend Paradigms of Power Exchange by Raven Kaldera. It’s a curated collection of essays written by people who do various styles of power exchange, describing how their relationship works.) I was looking for something that hit me in the gut, something that reached out and grabbed me. I held onto the ones I resonated with and started to get a picture of the kinds of things I liked.
Finally, once I had a good idea of the kinds of things I liked, I started thinking about labels again, and found a system of definitions that just suited me perfectly. I’m stealing wholesale here from one Master Stephen, who also goes by Mar or Marduk. I’d reference his writings, except that they’re all on Fetlife, and as yet he has no personal website. Maybe someday he’ll get around to making one (take a hint, Mar!) and I’ll edit this post.
This system saw Master/slave (M/s) and Dom/sub (D/s) relationship styles as X-Y axes on a Cartesian plane. (Mar is a nerd. Go figure. <3 ) The horizontal (D/s), in this system, expresses a person’s sexual preferences. What they like in the bedroom. What gets them hot. The vertical axis (M/s) expresses how the person lives their daily life – how much structure is a good thing, whether they express/receive love through the form of service, etc.
A person might naturally land at any point on either axis, or may even have a range within which they are comfortable. For example, you may have a lady who is high in both the X and Y axes. She’ll land here.
She’ll get a deep sense of satisfaction from setting a structure for her slave and seeing them grow and prosper under her guidance. She’ll also love to do mean things to them during sexytimes.
Another example.
This woman is really far down the vertical but a 0 on the horizontal. She will derive great personal satisfaction from giving service and feeling useful, but will get nothing out of sexy power games. This type of person is often described as a “service slave,” indicating that they derive all pleasure from giving service and don’t need/desire other forms of play.
But back to me. Because I’m important. In this system, I sit something like this.
I have always described myself as a “right-hand-man type”; not in the spotlight, but giving vital support to the one who is. When I believe in a person or a cause, I will express that through service to the person or cause; I willingly donate massive amounts of time to organizations I get involved with and happily show up to help people move or do chores. At parties, I’m the one in the kitchen doing the dishes. This doesn’t make me wet, but it makes me feel happy and fulfilled. As for what does make me wet… I have this sadist side that dearly loves to see a partner crawl and cry, as well as a submissive side that loves to be taken over and given no choice but to take whatever’s given.
I suppose that makes me a slave-switch? Meh. Good enough.
Like I said, ultimately, you’ll choose a definition that works for you. This is the beauty of the kink world; infinite personalization options. I hope reading this has been helpful, in some small way.
Happy kinking!
Outro by Parker Rose: Thanks for visiting Opening Gateways. We are a BDSM education group that is expanding it’s internet resources and spending more time focusing on educational tools and articles about BDSM. If you have comments, want to suggest additional points, please comment or send an e-mail.
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