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The Before
Like many sexual adventurers, I first read Ethical Slut when I was taking my first baby steps into the world of other-than-missionary sex. It had been recommended to me as the “Poly Bible” – a must-read for anyone doing anything other than monogamy. And frankly, at the time, it was revolutionary. The idea of non-monogamy was new to me and very exciting, and having it presented by two ladies who’d been doing it successfully for decades and who were in professional fields that would allow them to see and conduct research on the topic gave the entire subject (as well as the book) a level of credibility that I needed. But since that far-off day of naivete and embarrassingly bad communication skills, I’ve heard rumors that the book is not universally praised, even in poly circles. I couldn’t imagine why – it was instrumental in my own exploration, so therefore it must be all things perfection, right? Am I afflicted with a serious case of rose-colored glasses?
Let’s find out.
The Now
A couple notes. First, I hadn’t touched the book since that first reading, so I was coming at it with fresh, older eyes. Second, I never read the physical copy of the book. I realised sometime in college that I could get through far more books if I listened to audio recordings while doing other things, and the habit has stuck with me. So I dug out my old copy of the second edition of The Ethical Slut, read by the authors, put it on, and did the dishes. I mention this because hearing the book read gently in two old-lady voices probably impacted my impression.
So. The bad news. There were definitely some things I disagreed with. For example, the claim that children easily adapt to and even enjoy the changeability and flexibility of a more-than-two-parent household takes for granted that the child doesn’t have autism or any other condition that makes even the smallest changes to routine extremely difficult. More seriously, in the introduction, the authors go about describing sluts (their affectionately reclaimed word for sex positive people) as people who “love to be the good time had by all.” Frankly, I’m not sure whether the authors were describing themselves or all sluts here as (I interpret) gregarious party people who just want to share with everyone. If they were describing all sluts, I must be doing something wrong, because I am neither gregarious nor a party person and I’m terrible at sharing. Yet I would describe my sexual explorations to be resounding successes, and definitely not monogamous. The book is riddled with these universal overarching statements that, if I hadn’t been listening to them in the afore-mentioned gentle old lady voices, might have been more offensive.
All that said though, does it hold up? Frankly, yes. The chapter on handling jealousy hit home hard, and reminded me to let the jealousy I feel point me to areas of myself that are important or need to be worked on. The exercises inspired me to take some quality time with the Sir and refuse to get lazy in my relationships. The chapters on self esteem reminded me that I will be happier in my relationships if I find all I need in myself. Standard advice, perhaps, but told in insightful, eloquent ways that struck me just as hard today as it did so many years ago.
Conclusion
Something I’ve noticed about counter-culture people; we don’t like being told what to do. Even if it’s just advice by someone who means well and is trying to do the best for the community. I know I’m guilty of this. Any time I find a basics-of-kink book, I flip to the part about power exchange and grouse about the definitions, finding every nit pick I can and complaining about what was left out, and I walk away feeling validated and intelligent for having put someone else down. But power exchange is the foundation on which I build my primary relationship; it’s my central fetish and the single fastest way to turn me on. I need a more nuanced, detailed definition of power exchange because it’s personal and immediately necessary. And despite the fact that, clearly, I am the smartest person in the world and everyone should just agree with me, they have an annoying habit of coming up with their own ideas about things. I kind of suspect this is the case with Ethical Slut. As a poly basics book, it’s great. If you’re just getting started and need some kind of orientation and guide to your exploration, this book is a wealth of resources. And if you’re like me, and the most you want to do is have a primary partner and one or two play partners/friends with benefits, this may contain a large portion of the information you’ll need. But if you’re looking to enter the poly lifestyle, hoping for a triad, quad, or commune, you should plan on doing a lot more reading and research.
“Poly Bible”? Maybe not. Maybe more like “Poly 101.”
Outro By Parker Rose: For people living in Michigan there are many Michigan polyamory groups and discussions. If you are looking for Michigan poly groups, wanting to learn more about polyamory and Michigan, visit our contact page and send a note. Ann Arbor poly meetups and Detroit polyamory meetups are out there, and we are happy to help you connect!
