It was soon after my entry into the kink world. I was at a kink 101 class at a local dungeon in a smallish town. There were fewer than 50 people in a dimly lit pole barn, sprinkled among a shabby collection of chairs and tables.
It was a Friday night, and people were tired from a long work week and just wanted to get to the playtime that would happen once the droning lecture was done. A yawn was passed among the crowd members. Then the speaker came to the distinction between Dominant and Master, and suddenly the crowd came alive. Two or three people were on their feet, debating the definitions. Raised voices, wild gestures, the works. Several rounds later, they agreed to disagree, and went through the appropriate apologies and affirmations of respect. The speaker got control of the room again. And the room went back to dozing, as if the energetic debate had never happened.
I had stumbled on what is perhaps the easiest way to start a fight among kinsters – defining the difference between Dom/sub and Master/slave.
The beauty of the kink world is the infinite personalization. Sex is no longer just penis, vagina, hump hump, splut, done. You get to fantasize about what you want – anything at all. Tools, toys, sensations, role play, costumes, fetishes, power exchange, number of people, etc etc etc. You can explore relationship styles and structures that mainstream culture really doesn’t make room for, decide how extreme you want those styles to be for yourself, and mix and match and tweak to your heart’s content. But that very variety can be daunting to the beginner. I know it was for me. Add the intensity of argument surrounding the definitions of some of these labels, and the temptation to nope out becomes strong.
But never fear, beginner, for I have seen a messy conversation and am jumping in the ring! Because I’m smart like that.
In all seriousness, though, this series is NOT trying to prescribe a set of definitions or even a method of exploration. I believe that we kinksters have to choose our definitions for ourselves, and I hope that the description of another person’s floundering might prove useful in your own exploration. If it doesn’t, take a lesson from the noble cat: take the fish and leave the bones.
So. My story. Step one was to come to grips with the fact that I had s-type tendencies (read about that here making-peace-with-the-submissive). That was bad enough. Next was the daunting task of labeling myself. For this, I was fortunate enough to have some wise counsel from experienced kinksters. It was simply this.
Forget the labels.
No, seriously. Forget the labels. Focus on yourself. Address personal biases, preferences, and hard limits. Then describe or discover the kinds of things you want in the bedroom and what kind of relationship style or structure you enjoy or need. Once you have a picture in your head of the kinds of things you like, then, and only then, think about labels again.
So. Part one. Personal bias. For me, I realized that the most important bias I held in this situation related to the terms themselves; I have a good deal of personal history with both the terms “submissive” and “slave” that absolutely colors my opinion of them. As I’ve mentioned before, I was raised in a church that used religion to justify its misogyny. My parents tried to alleviate the sexism, insisting that I get a good education. I’ll be forever grateful to them for that, but my version of teenage rebellion was to criticize them for their lack of conformity and follow the church’s teachings more closely instead. I think I failed at the whole “rebellion” thing…. Anyway, some of those teachings have made the term “submit” indelibly linked to the disgusting way women were treated in that church, all justified by “Wives, submit yourselves unto your husbands as unto the Lord.” It makes my stomach turn. “Submit” is, for me, a poisoned well.
Similarly, “slave” has had specific uses in my life. Generally, it was associated less with the historical human rights violations, and more with overblown statements of devotion or duty. “I love you, I am your slave.” “I am a slave to sin.” “I am enslaved by laundry.” I’m not sure how I managed to avoid that part of history class, but there you go. The human rights violations were a thing of ancient history, and the term “slave” was almost a cute way to be over-dramatic. I knew, of course, that the illegal slave trade is still alive and well, but somehow that institution was so dark and evil in my mind that it needed a more hideous word than “slave trade.”
What are your personal biases? What ways have you heard terms used that influences how you think of them? I fully realize that the average person will not have these associations. But I am telling my story, not the average person’s.
I’m going to have to pause here and make the part where I explore my personal preferences into a sequel. Because apparently, I’m long-winded as fuuuuuuuck.
Outro By Parker Rose: If you are looking for BDSM in Michigan specifically, including how to learn about kink in Michigan, send us a note. There are many Detroit BDSM groups, Ann Arbor BDSM groups, Kalamazoo BDMS groups, and groups all over the state. E-mail us to get more information on kink in Michigan and find Michigan kink groups near you!
